How to build happy relationships based on ethics and compersion

Morality or jealousy being at the roots of most relationship conflicts, the better solution is to respect ethics above all, set aside the morality that conflicts with ethics and practice compersion to overcome jealousy.

But morality is the same as ethics? No, not at all. They may share some principles, the ones that make sense, but more often than not they are conflicting with each other and that's what is messing up your life. Yet, it is easy to tell them apart: ethics are about humanity, they are pretty much the same the world over which goes a long way toward avoiding arguments, crusades and wars over differences of morality. Morality, on the other hand, comes in 101 flavors depending on who you choose to follow or what book you read and, worse yet, how you choose to interpret what you are reading. Human history is filled with genocides and massacres justified by those differences of interpretations.

If following the edicts of a moral authority or that of a book is more important to you than your personal feelings and desires, then limit your relationships only to people who share the same moral beliefs than you do. Don't impose your morality upon others any more than you would not agree to abandon your own and submit to theirs.

Jealousy is an irrational emotion of insecurity, the fear of losing someone. It is a relationship's worst enemy as there cannot be trust if there is jealousy. Jealousy is keeping the bird in the cage, compersion is to let the bird be free and enjoy watching its freedom and happiness.

So, what is compersion?

  See also “Compersion is mudita” in the THINK! section.
The Wiktionary defines it as the antonym of jealousy and gives two definitions:
  1. The feeling of joy one has experiencing another's joy, such as in witnessing a toddler's joy and feeling joy in response.
  2. The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

The earliest quotation given dates from a book in 1998, so it is a recent word. The first definition in the Wiktionary is non-sexual and may not be a very good example as it is awkward to think of its antonym, jealousy, about a toddler being happy. The second definition is more relevant as the term is almost always associated with the intimate or the sexual aspects of relationships.

But let’s not get carried away about the intensity of compersion one should feel for their partner who is having a good time. The theatrical “ooh” and “aah” of grandma admiring a toddler playing are cute but a little embarrassing for being excessive. So, just feeling pleased for your partner is quite enough to reassure yourself that you are not one bit jealous and if you feel the urge to join in and share the pleasures, it’s no more jealousy than joining the toddler to play with his toys. And most toddlers get pretty excited about that.

Do you have matching sex drives?

In a new relationship, you have most likely never talked about that until after a few weeks under the sheets when one of you sheepishly said “It is a bit much for me” or “I could use a little more”. You are considering spending a lifetime with that person, about a third of that time in bed with them, and you did think about that issue since the first day you met “mmm … I wonder how much sex he/she likes?”, but “How do you like to spend your birthday?”, a once a year occasion, seemed to be a more appropriate question to ask first!

The real question is not how much, but do you match? There is no such thing as not enough or too much, only partners that are not sexually well matched to be satisfied without annoying each other, or worse. Sex is more important to some people and less important to others, there is no right or wrong, just differences that absolutely need to be addressed as early as possible upon considering a new relationship as that is far more likely to make or break that relationship than accomplishing the perfect birthday. Even asexual people can enjoy relationships … with other asexual people, with anyone else it would not just be a lifetime of compromise, but also a repression of natural feelings for the more sexual partner and a feeling of guilt for the other. Needless to say, a relationship with more than two partners does take the pressure off the partner who needs less while providing a more satisfying sex life to the one who needs more.

On dating profiles, ONS and no talking sex!

What do people think when they write on their dating profile “Only love with a faithful man/woman forever. No ONS and don’t talk about sex”. Do they walk into a bar saying that too? If they really believe that, they are heading headfirst into an emotional disaster, aside from the fact that they are opening themselves up to be easily taken for a ride … and dumped. How about just being receptive to meet someone attractive or interesting and go from there. Who knows, it might last five minutes or a lifetime, but you have no way of knowing unless you do give it five minutes and not rule out anyone who is not ready to marry you tomorrow morning.

No ONS (one night stand)? Fair enough, you are not horny tonight and it’s not your job to provide relief to someone who is. But if you are and that cute thing chatting you up is too, what’s wrong with sharing some pleasurable time together. Then in the morning, you each go on your way with a smile … what guilt? Who did you hurt or offend? … because if it so happened that you both enjoyed the company so much that you stayed for breakfast, lunch … a lifetime maybe? Then it’s ok because it was not an ONS after all? Well, it was last night! Besides, if it was not all that good and soon forgotten, you would have preferred to wait a few weeks of drinks, dinners and movies to arrive at the same conclusion? Because if it was not so good on the ONS, it sure would not be any better after three weeks of traditional dating.

Don’t talk about sex? “Hi, my name is Marsha. Do you like sex?” is definitely not the best way to introduce yourself but neither is getting in bed without talking about it first, which few people actually do! Do you go out on a date for dinner without at least inquiring about their preference for steak or seafood, maybe even find out about a favorite spot that will really satisfy? Most people do chit chat about food and restaurants, so when comes the time for THE dinner date, both have a pretty good idea what to expect and know that they will not have to politely eat spinach if they can’t stand spinach. No need to get into a technical discussion, but general preferences and limitations will avoid a spinach episode and ensure the best dessert.

Last, but not least: never forget that you don't “own” your partners any more than they “own” you.